When does life start to make a little bit of sense....

The question I am asking today is one that I am pretty sure a lot of people would like to know the answer too.  Unfortunately, I don't think life will ever make complete sense.

I have been having some thoughts lately about friendships.  I desire a best friend, I have my whole life.  I have been so blessed by some very wonderful friendships, but I still feel like something is missing.  I can get really close with someone and then something happens and the trust is broken or it just feels like that season of the friendship is over.  I have been wondering recently how I can be a better friend and still remain Jill.  What am I doing wrong to prevent that best friendship from happening?  Maybe nothing, or maybe something.  I would like to say I have been praying about it, but honestly I haven't.  Hmmmm....maybe that is my problem.  :)  I think a lot of times I feel mis-understood or I seem to stay in the same stinking place in my life while my friends lives go in many different directions and their seasons change constantly!  I know that the Lord desires me to to be completely fulfilled in Him and I have not done so well with that.  But, I also know that he created us for relationships.  Maybe my standards are too high for people and then I feel let down...So many questions I have and so little answers. :)  I will definitely being praying about this. 

I also desire a relationship with the Lord and I desire to be Christ like, and I find myself failing at this daily, especially at my work place...I definitely need to get plugged in with some christian women and get some accountability.  I do so much better in my life when I have positive christian influence in my life!

Be still, Jill....be still.

8 Dresses...

Do you think I could have a movie based on 8 bridesmaid dresses?  ha ha ha!  I am beginning to think that I could open a resale shop of bridesmaid dresses!  Yes, it is true.  I have been a bridesmaid 8 times.  2 just this year alone.  Though I am so grateful and honored to be in so many weddings, I am ready for a break of them for a while.  I have just recently decided that maybe my childhood dream will change a bit.  I have always wanted a wedding...now after being in 8, I am thinking that eloping and spending the money on a very nice honeymoon sounds A LOT more appealing to me.  The good news is, I don't have to worry about that right now!  :)  All in God's timing, I know!  I would take a picture of all of them...but to be honest I think I finally threw some of the oldies from the 90's in the trash. :)

Life has been interesting the past few months.  Good, but interesting.  I have had some minor drama, but luckily the Lord has opened my eyes to see A LOT!  And I am so grateful for the things that He has opened my eyes to see.  Thank you, Lord for your grace and your wisdom!

Here are a few pictures of my favorite things! 

Whoa, what a ride!

So, the past 4 months have definitely been a challenge.  When your job is not going well, it affects your entire life surrounding you.  I kept trying to remember that Jesus never left me when I was feeling so beat down and defeated.  I prayed many days for endurance and contentment.  After many days of praying and in my moments of not being able to pray my mom fervently prayed for me many times a day as well as many others.  For that, I am so grateful!  Our church is doing a 21 day fast and I started mine on Saturday.  On my list of things to see God change was of course my job.  I prayed for a miracle and that is just what He did.  By Tuesday I quit the job from "the dark place" and was able to have a second chance and a second perspective on how well other jobs I have had really are.  I am also realizing that no job comes without it's rough days.  I am definitely now praying for contentment in my job and to just rely on the Lord even if it turns out to be a second by second situation.  Which in most cases in my life when I am struggling, it seems second by second is too long.  :)  But, all in all, GOD is ALWAYS Faithful!  ALWAYS!

I would love to say I am welcoming 2010 with a new perspective and I am not sad at all to say goodbye to 2009.  With 2009 came many rough spots and the healing of a broken heart.  Though my heart is still a little sad, I am definitely seeing the Lord's hand in His decision.  In November I made a very poor choice that was a rude awakening for me.  I look back just a few months later to see how the Lord was giving me a second chance to turn things around.  I have not desired a relationship with the Lord for the past several months.  I honestly felt abandoned and angry.  Well, November 13th was the day all of that nonsense changed for me.  I have learned that I need accountability.  I need someone to walk along side of me and guide me in a relationship with the Lord and to tell me His truths that I so often don't believe.  Why is it that I will believe the enemies lies over our HOLY and Precious Heavenly Father?  My battle is definitely in my mind.  And it is definitely a spiritual battle that is raging in and around me all the time.  That is why it is so important to stay in direct contact with our Jesus.

I started reading a book called, "I'm Not Good Enough...and Other Lies Women Tell Themselves" by Sharon Jaynes.  Though I am taking my sweet time reading it, it is a FANTASTIC book!  It is filled with such wonderful scriptures and God's truth, just what I need.

I would love to hear of what your 2010 spiritual goals are, please let me know!  Here are mine:

• Find contentment in:
• My career
• My singleness
• Seek the Lord daily even when I don't feel like it
• To meet Jesus in a way I never have before
• To experience a true Spiritual Awakening
• To start living the Fruits of the Spirit

2 Chronicles 7:14

"If my people who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

1 John 5:14,15

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of him."

I look forward to seeing more of the positive things the Lord will do in my life in 2010!  I am hopeful to be more faithful at blogging too...we will see.  :)

Feelings, Emotions, Struggles

Disclaimer: Before you read this post...it is kind of a debby downer post...so read at your own risk...

It seems as though my life is always going to have some sort of struggle.  Now it seems to be my job.  I feel like I get emotionally beat up on a daily basis.  All I keep remembering is that verse that says, "Be content in all circumstances".  I struggle so much with that.  I know life is hard, but there has to be more to this life than what I am seeing.  Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to have a job, I just don't feel like I have found my nitch yet.

I have also been feeling lonely and feeling like the Lord is showing me that I need to weave out certain relationships in my life.  Sometimes I feel ok with it, and other times I feel so alone.  Sometimes I even feel a little annoyed and angry with the relationships.  I will be honest, I feel like an emotional rollercoaster lately.   And in lately, I mean the past 8 to 10 years.  Do you ever see people that you just think, hmm... they have it all going for them?  Well, I do. 

So, on a more positive note...I have made it a goal (3 days ago) to make Jesus my everything, so in order for that to happen, I have to get into His word daily.  I want to fall in love with Jesus.  SO, maybe that is why He is showing me who I need to weed out of my life because it isn't good for me.  I realize this is going to be a process but I am hopeful that I will fall madly in love with our Savior.

Watoto Children's Choir

I just saw the most amazing children this evening at my church! They are from Africa. Check out http://www.watoto.com/ to see how you can get involved!

AMAZING!

Climbing back out...

Hello blogging world! I disappeared for a while but now I'm back. It stresses me out to think of going back and telling what all has been taking place, so rather than causing extra stress, I'm not going to do it. :)

The weather has drastically changed and I do not like it. I am not a cold weather fan, I prefer weather that is in the 70's with sunshine. I am convinced heaven is going to be my favorite weather all the tme.

So, it seems I have fallen back into a pit...maybe not that I have fallen back in again, but rather that I haven't fully gotten out of it. I have finally come to the conclusion that after almost 12 months, my heart is still raw and sad sometimes. Does it ever get better? Does that pain ever go away? It is so easy for some people to just move along, I however am not one of those people. I have come to a sad hard realization, I do not know who I am. I mean, I know that I am a child of God, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing on this earth. Ever been there? Still there? Any helpful wise words you want to share?

I have been making some really bad choices and not Christ like choices either. I had a very real rude awakening. I am mortified, but in the same sense so grateful for the eye opener. Thank you, Jesus! I am definitely a work in progress. Here are a list of my desires for the near future:
* Seek Jesus daily
* Fall in love with Jesus
* Understand His purpose for my life
* To find my nitch (spelling?)
* Be content with what the Lord gives me no matter what
* To understand God's will for my life!

Good night!

Praise the Lord

My dad found out today that he got accepted for DISABILITY! WOOHOO! Praise Jesus! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I had been going through some stuff, but another Praise Jesus is that He has totally taken care of my in my recent struggles. Thank you, Lord

I have moved and I love IT! It is so great! Not sure if Belle loves it as much as me, but she will be fine.

I leave for the beach in 9 days! WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!! I will post something better later.