Sunday, January 22, 2012

The Answer

I've found myself getting all wrapped up in my "singleness" again and that seems to get me nowhere except deeper in a pit and more vulnerable for the devils attacks. When I finally allow myself to open my eyes to it, I get so frustrated at myself for getting wrapped up in the worldly crap again, so to speak.

Today at church was my eye opener again. We were singing a song, and the chorus sang, "You are the answer". That resonated so loudly in my mind and my heart. I knew it was the Lord that had me hear those specific words.

I am different from most people, I want desperately to be loved and liked by all. Well, I realize that can't always be the case. I am different from most 32 almost 33 yr olds. I'm still a virgin, yep that's right folks. Now don't get me wrong here. I have made A LOT of mistakes and I have almost compromised that sacred gift too many times to count. I deeply desire to do Gods will and to be who He created me to be. I'm saddened that I lose that focus almost daily and see myself wanting to just throw in the "good Christian girl" towel (so to speak), in order to fit in to what the world deems as "normal"! I don't, and I mean it, I DON'T want to be normal from the worlds eye, because that is exactly what the devil wants. He wants me to feel like I'm a freak or something is wrong with me and that's why I'm not married. I know in my heart that those words are lies! Sadly, I believe them way too often.

I ultimately know that the Lord is protecting me from the wrong relationships, it's hard to remember this sometimes, but I believe He is answering mine and many others who have prayed over me, that the cycle of divorce stops at me. So, God is keeping me safe in His arms. It brings tears to eyes thinking of how angry I get at the Lord, because I feel like He is punishing me or forgetting me. That's a real feeling that I wish I could say is gone, but it is alive and very active.

I say all of this to be extremely glad that the Lord spoke to me and said, "Jill, I'm the answer, come to Me". I may never understand many of the things that confuse me, or make me mad or sad about my life, but I pray that I will continue to have my eyes open and truly set on Jesus.

As much as I want to "fit in", I don't want to disappoint the Man who never leaves or abandons me, the Man who NEVER EVER stops loving me, even when I choose to be unloveable. Jesus is the Only Man who can fill any longing or empty place.

One day my prince will come, but for today, I'm going to call on my Jesus to fill my empty places.