I need faith...I need patience....I need to believe that God will do what He says He will do. I need to believe that the desires I have had my whole life are not just a waste. I need to believe that He has a real plan and a real purpose for my life. I need to believe He will reveal it to me in due time. When is that time? You know I hit 30 a couple months ago and I just thought that life would look so different for me. I am sure a lot of people think that very same thing. We all have issues, we all have trials, we all have joy and we all have things that we take for granted. I for one want to stop and enjoy and open my eyes to see all of the wonderful things the Lord has given me and not take it for granted.
I need prayers tonight. I need to let him go, once and for all. Never once before in my life have I had to have daily face to face communication with an ex-boyfriend, until now. The man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the man who I now realize I would have been settling for, I can't stop loving him. I see him daily at my job in the afternoons and some days are so easy, and some days are so stinking hard! I sometimes ask God why I have to see him everyday, and then other days, I just say, ok God, You obviously think I can handle this....not sure why You think I can, but You must. You know the past few days I feel like I have just gone backwards in my healing process. The pain is all too real and soooo deep like it is new! I just want to let him go and move on! I want God to bring me my husband. I don't want to hear anyone say, "it will happen when you least expect it", or "girl, you don't want to rush in to this", or "when you aren't looking, that is when it will happen"...Well, guess what...I guess it will happen when the Lord says it will happen. Let me just say for the record, those comments are NOT HELPFUL AT ALL! They are not comforting words, they are sharp words that cut single women deep.
I am trying to seek the Lord and believe that He has me in the palm of His beautiful scarred hands and He will hold me and carry me while I am too weary to walk and I hope and pray that one day, He will knock me (and my other single friends who have waited so long) socks off!
Good night
Oh sweet sunshine... it pains me to see your sadness on paper (screen). It is SO good that you are journaling this though! All I can say is that you must be one mighty threat if the Lord is letting you be in the "trenches". Take heart, my dear... you are loved, you are held in His mighty and capable hands. He doesn't give you any more than you can handle. It's all for His glory! All of it! Love you and will pray for you!
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