Feelings, Emotions, Struggles

Disclaimer: Before you read this post...it is kind of a debby downer post...so read at your own risk...

It seems as though my life is always going to have some sort of struggle.  Now it seems to be my job.  I feel like I get emotionally beat up on a daily basis.  All I keep remembering is that verse that says, "Be content in all circumstances".  I struggle so much with that.  I know life is hard, but there has to be more to this life than what I am seeing.  Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to have a job, I just don't feel like I have found my nitch yet.

I have also been feeling lonely and feeling like the Lord is showing me that I need to weave out certain relationships in my life.  Sometimes I feel ok with it, and other times I feel so alone.  Sometimes I even feel a little annoyed and angry with the relationships.  I will be honest, I feel like an emotional rollercoaster lately.   And in lately, I mean the past 8 to 10 years.  Do you ever see people that you just think, hmm... they have it all going for them?  Well, I do. 

So, on a more positive note...I have made it a goal (3 days ago) to make Jesus my everything, so in order for that to happen, I have to get into His word daily.  I want to fall in love with Jesus.  SO, maybe that is why He is showing me who I need to weed out of my life because it isn't good for me.  I realize this is going to be a process but I am hopeful that I will fall madly in love with our Savior.

Watoto Children's Choir

I just saw the most amazing children this evening at my church! They are from Africa. Check out http://www.watoto.com/ to see how you can get involved!

AMAZING!

Climbing back out...

Hello blogging world! I disappeared for a while but now I'm back. It stresses me out to think of going back and telling what all has been taking place, so rather than causing extra stress, I'm not going to do it. :)

The weather has drastically changed and I do not like it. I am not a cold weather fan, I prefer weather that is in the 70's with sunshine. I am convinced heaven is going to be my favorite weather all the tme.

So, it seems I have fallen back into a pit...maybe not that I have fallen back in again, but rather that I haven't fully gotten out of it. I have finally come to the conclusion that after almost 12 months, my heart is still raw and sad sometimes. Does it ever get better? Does that pain ever go away? It is so easy for some people to just move along, I however am not one of those people. I have come to a sad hard realization, I do not know who I am. I mean, I know that I am a child of God, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing on this earth. Ever been there? Still there? Any helpful wise words you want to share?

I have been making some really bad choices and not Christ like choices either. I had a very real rude awakening. I am mortified, but in the same sense so grateful for the eye opener. Thank you, Jesus! I am definitely a work in progress. Here are a list of my desires for the near future:
* Seek Jesus daily
* Fall in love with Jesus
* Understand His purpose for my life
* To find my nitch (spelling?)
* Be content with what the Lord gives me no matter what
* To understand God's will for my life!

Good night!

Praise the Lord

My dad found out today that he got accepted for DISABILITY! WOOHOO! Praise Jesus! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I had been going through some stuff, but another Praise Jesus is that He has totally taken care of my in my recent struggles. Thank you, Lord

I have moved and I love IT! It is so great! Not sure if Belle loves it as much as me, but she will be fine.

I leave for the beach in 9 days! WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!! I will post something better later.

God's Hand....

I decided to take a walk this evening because it wasn't too hot and boy am I glad I did now.

I have been in a spiritual drought the past 5 1/2 months. I am sick of being here in it, I have cried out to get out of it, and still find myself in it! Well, today I just feel like something drastic changed. I am praying the drought is gone and doesn't rear its ugly head again! As I was walking I had my ipod playing, I love to have music when I exercise, it seems to motivate me more. Well, I started out with country music and I was going to switch it to rock to get really motivated, but I decided to play christian music (not by coincidence I might add). Well, "My Romance" by Christ for the Nations started playing and it just stopped me in my angry bitter tracks. I played it over and over. I was just talking to God and just pouring out my soul to Him and I could just feel something come over me, like this was a break through! Oh how I pray it really is a break through! Then as I am continuing on with my walk I look up in the cloud and there is a cloud that looked like a 4 finger hand! I just looked and turned and then looked again and just looked in amazement. I am going to choose to believe that, that was God's hand over me! And that He is saying to me, Jill, I know all of the things you struggle with right now and I am right here, My HAND is covering you!

I am not sure there is much more I can say about that now, other than, Praise You JESUS! You do hear me and You are right beside me. He knows the pains I have with certain relationships right now and He knows the decisions I am trying to work out. He knows it all and He is right here fighting through it with me! Upholding me the whole time!

No title...

I couldn't think of a good title for this post, so that is why it is what it is. This post probably won't be very long.

Just feeling a little down this evening. I have been so grateful and glad that the sunshine has been here for a whole WEEK! Thank you, Jesus! Sunshine does wonders for me!

Things I would like to shed from myself emotionally....
People pleasing
Approval addiction
Desire for people to like me
Sadness for being single and lonely sometimes
Sadness for not having what I would like to have

If you have some time, I know these are very minor things in the world of all the bigger issues, but just say a prayer that I can shed these things and get my desire back to serve Jesus and love Him out of control.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Talk to you soon!

Friends

I had the most wonderful thing happen to me this weekend...I will get to it in a minute, but I want to talk about some other things first. Do any of you struggle to try to make people like you? Or are there certain people in your life that you just want to like you so much, but you feel like you just don't have what it takes? I do! :) Please don't get me wrong, I am a very blessed person in the aspect that God has blessed me with many people who like me. We will call them aquaintances. And then you have the people who truly want to know what is going on with you and when you tell them, even after feeling like you have been in a pit for the past billion years, they still care for you and want to know how you really feel, and they still want to be friends with you. I call these friends! I don't want to be one of those people who wear people out with my problems. I really don't! I just know that one day, I am going to be able to be there for others and I actually hopefully won't be in a state of issues... We will see. I guess even if I am still having issues, hopefully I will be able to return the favor.

Speaking of 'pit', I have been in one. God has allowed me and my friend Amy to reconnect with one another and our friendship has really just blossomed. We went to dinner on Saturday night, just the two of us and it was so nice! I can honestly say, I have never seen this side of her before. She has always made me laugh and she is very funny and super nice and fun! We just haven't really had a moment like we did. So, she goes on to tell me that she had just really been praying for me and she asked God to reveal to her just exactly it was that I have been feeling! Ok, first of all! WHO DOES THAT! I was so humbled by her love and desire to relate to me in my pain. She said that while they were at church, the Lord completely revealed to her just exactly it was that I have been feeling and going through. She told me and honestly, it was exactly what I have been feeling that no one else seems to get or understand. I think at this point, people are probably like, Jill, seriously...get over it! Well, I am not like those people. So, she reccomended a great book to me. It is actually one that I have seen over and over, just never picked it up to read it. It is this:


So far, it is hitting the nail on the head.

Thank you to all of you who read this and love me! You are appreciated beyond words! For those of you who have listened more than your share! THANK YOU!