Feelings, Emotions, Struggles

Disclaimer: Before you read this post...it is kind of a debby downer post...so read at your own risk...

It seems as though my life is always going to have some sort of struggle.  Now it seems to be my job.  I feel like I get emotionally beat up on a daily basis.  All I keep remembering is that verse that says, "Be content in all circumstances".  I struggle so much with that.  I know life is hard, but there has to be more to this life than what I am seeing.  Don't get me wrong, I am so glad to have a job, I just don't feel like I have found my nitch yet.

I have also been feeling lonely and feeling like the Lord is showing me that I need to weave out certain relationships in my life.  Sometimes I feel ok with it, and other times I feel so alone.  Sometimes I even feel a little annoyed and angry with the relationships.  I will be honest, I feel like an emotional rollercoaster lately.   And in lately, I mean the past 8 to 10 years.  Do you ever see people that you just think, hmm... they have it all going for them?  Well, I do. 

So, on a more positive note...I have made it a goal (3 days ago) to make Jesus my everything, so in order for that to happen, I have to get into His word daily.  I want to fall in love with Jesus.  SO, maybe that is why He is showing me who I need to weed out of my life because it isn't good for me.  I realize this is going to be a process but I am hopeful that I will fall madly in love with our Savior.

Watoto Children's Choir

I just saw the most amazing children this evening at my church! They are from Africa. Check out http://www.watoto.com/ to see how you can get involved!

AMAZING!

Climbing back out...

Hello blogging world! I disappeared for a while but now I'm back. It stresses me out to think of going back and telling what all has been taking place, so rather than causing extra stress, I'm not going to do it. :)

The weather has drastically changed and I do not like it. I am not a cold weather fan, I prefer weather that is in the 70's with sunshine. I am convinced heaven is going to be my favorite weather all the tme.

So, it seems I have fallen back into a pit...maybe not that I have fallen back in again, but rather that I haven't fully gotten out of it. I have finally come to the conclusion that after almost 12 months, my heart is still raw and sad sometimes. Does it ever get better? Does that pain ever go away? It is so easy for some people to just move along, I however am not one of those people. I have come to a sad hard realization, I do not know who I am. I mean, I know that I am a child of God, but I don't know what I am supposed to be doing on this earth. Ever been there? Still there? Any helpful wise words you want to share?

I have been making some really bad choices and not Christ like choices either. I had a very real rude awakening. I am mortified, but in the same sense so grateful for the eye opener. Thank you, Jesus! I am definitely a work in progress. Here are a list of my desires for the near future:
* Seek Jesus daily
* Fall in love with Jesus
* Understand His purpose for my life
* To find my nitch (spelling?)
* Be content with what the Lord gives me no matter what
* To understand God's will for my life!

Good night!

Praise the Lord

My dad found out today that he got accepted for DISABILITY! WOOHOO! Praise Jesus! Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I had been going through some stuff, but another Praise Jesus is that He has totally taken care of my in my recent struggles. Thank you, Lord

I have moved and I love IT! It is so great! Not sure if Belle loves it as much as me, but she will be fine.

I leave for the beach in 9 days! WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!! I will post something better later.

God's Hand....

I decided to take a walk this evening because it wasn't too hot and boy am I glad I did now.

I have been in a spiritual drought the past 5 1/2 months. I am sick of being here in it, I have cried out to get out of it, and still find myself in it! Well, today I just feel like something drastic changed. I am praying the drought is gone and doesn't rear its ugly head again! As I was walking I had my ipod playing, I love to have music when I exercise, it seems to motivate me more. Well, I started out with country music and I was going to switch it to rock to get really motivated, but I decided to play christian music (not by coincidence I might add). Well, "My Romance" by Christ for the Nations started playing and it just stopped me in my angry bitter tracks. I played it over and over. I was just talking to God and just pouring out my soul to Him and I could just feel something come over me, like this was a break through! Oh how I pray it really is a break through! Then as I am continuing on with my walk I look up in the cloud and there is a cloud that looked like a 4 finger hand! I just looked and turned and then looked again and just looked in amazement. I am going to choose to believe that, that was God's hand over me! And that He is saying to me, Jill, I know all of the things you struggle with right now and I am right here, My HAND is covering you!

I am not sure there is much more I can say about that now, other than, Praise You JESUS! You do hear me and You are right beside me. He knows the pains I have with certain relationships right now and He knows the decisions I am trying to work out. He knows it all and He is right here fighting through it with me! Upholding me the whole time!

No title...

I couldn't think of a good title for this post, so that is why it is what it is. This post probably won't be very long.

Just feeling a little down this evening. I have been so grateful and glad that the sunshine has been here for a whole WEEK! Thank you, Jesus! Sunshine does wonders for me!

Things I would like to shed from myself emotionally....
People pleasing
Approval addiction
Desire for people to like me
Sadness for being single and lonely sometimes
Sadness for not having what I would like to have

If you have some time, I know these are very minor things in the world of all the bigger issues, but just say a prayer that I can shed these things and get my desire back to serve Jesus and love Him out of control.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday weekend.

Talk to you soon!

Friends

I had the most wonderful thing happen to me this weekend...I will get to it in a minute, but I want to talk about some other things first. Do any of you struggle to try to make people like you? Or are there certain people in your life that you just want to like you so much, but you feel like you just don't have what it takes? I do! :) Please don't get me wrong, I am a very blessed person in the aspect that God has blessed me with many people who like me. We will call them aquaintances. And then you have the people who truly want to know what is going on with you and when you tell them, even after feeling like you have been in a pit for the past billion years, they still care for you and want to know how you really feel, and they still want to be friends with you. I call these friends! I don't want to be one of those people who wear people out with my problems. I really don't! I just know that one day, I am going to be able to be there for others and I actually hopefully won't be in a state of issues... We will see. I guess even if I am still having issues, hopefully I will be able to return the favor.

Speaking of 'pit', I have been in one. God has allowed me and my friend Amy to reconnect with one another and our friendship has really just blossomed. We went to dinner on Saturday night, just the two of us and it was so nice! I can honestly say, I have never seen this side of her before. She has always made me laugh and she is very funny and super nice and fun! We just haven't really had a moment like we did. So, she goes on to tell me that she had just really been praying for me and she asked God to reveal to her just exactly it was that I have been feeling! Ok, first of all! WHO DOES THAT! I was so humbled by her love and desire to relate to me in my pain. She said that while they were at church, the Lord completely revealed to her just exactly it was that I have been feeling and going through. She told me and honestly, it was exactly what I have been feeling that no one else seems to get or understand. I think at this point, people are probably like, Jill, seriously...get over it! Well, I am not like those people. So, she reccomended a great book to me. It is actually one that I have seen over and over, just never picked it up to read it. It is this:


So far, it is hitting the nail on the head.

Thank you to all of you who read this and love me! You are appreciated beyond words! For those of you who have listened more than your share! THANK YOU!

Why is it that....

Why is it that I do what I don't want to do? But, at the time I don't remember that, I do, but it doesn't seem to bother me enough. You know? I know that if I ask God to forgive me, He will. It just seems that I feel guilty in asking His forgiveness again. Grace, God's Grace is so hard for me to grasp for myself. Do any of you other believer's struggle with these things? So, to people I am supposed to be a witness too, I have instead acted the opposite with. I just get so tired of being good all the time. Does that make sense?

My room mate told me of a verse that I have heard over and over before, but thanks to Beth Moore, she put it in a whole new perspective... Isaiah 30:31 "But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired." We will grow weary if we are not seeking the Lord and putting our absolute ALL into Him. We tend to put our hope in the things that we so desperately desire! I know that for me right now is to be in a good godly and God ordained marriage. When in all reality, I need to be putting my HOPE IN MY JESUS! I struggle with this over and over. I am really good at believing things for other people, but when it comes to myself, it is like I have zero hope and FAITH! Sometimes I just get tired of praying and I am sure my friends get really tired of me asking them to pray for me. I pray they don't and I pray that the Lord blesses them deeply for there servants hearts in lifting me up when I just either don't want to, or can't. I desire to have faith and I desire to be hopeful that Jesus will give me my heart's desires in His perfect and due time. I really don't want to ruin God's perfect plan for my life. So, even though the waiting stinks A LOT! I would rather wait for the Lord and do it right.



So, I will continue to try to get the faith and hope that I need to honor the Lord and live this life to the fullest. To all I have done wrong and haven't been a great witness...I am so sorry, but I am human and I do make mistakes.

Until next time...I will give you an update on my faith and hope journey. :)

Sunny Day

Well, I thought since we have had absolutely no sunshine the past several days and I have had the stomach bug since basically last Monday...my post today would be called Sunny Day! Sunny day because praise the Lord my stomach is not nauseated today! WOOHOO! I think I am on the mend! I am a horrible sick person, I despise it.


Speaking of the beach!!! I go in 74 days! WOOHOO!

I need...

I need faith...I need patience....I need to believe that God will do what He says He will do. I need to believe that the desires I have had my whole life are not just a waste. I need to believe that He has a real plan and a real purpose for my life. I need to believe He will reveal it to me in due time. When is that time? You know I hit 30 a couple months ago and I just thought that life would look so different for me. I am sure a lot of people think that very same thing. We all have issues, we all have trials, we all have joy and we all have things that we take for granted. I for one want to stop and enjoy and open my eyes to see all of the wonderful things the Lord has given me and not take it for granted.

I need prayers tonight. I need to let him go, once and for all. Never once before in my life have I had to have daily face to face communication with an ex-boyfriend, until now. The man that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the man who I now realize I would have been settling for, I can't stop loving him. I see him daily at my job in the afternoons and some days are so easy, and some days are so stinking hard! I sometimes ask God why I have to see him everyday, and then other days, I just say, ok God, You obviously think I can handle this....not sure why You think I can, but You must. You know the past few days I feel like I have just gone backwards in my healing process. The pain is all too real and soooo deep like it is new! I just want to let him go and move on! I want God to bring me my husband. I don't want to hear anyone say, "it will happen when you least expect it", or "girl, you don't want to rush in to this", or "when you aren't looking, that is when it will happen"...Well, guess what...I guess it will happen when the Lord says it will happen. Let me just say for the record, those comments are NOT HELPFUL AT ALL! They are not comforting words, they are sharp words that cut single women deep.

I am trying to seek the Lord and believe that He has me in the palm of His beautiful scarred hands and He will hold me and carry me while I am too weary to walk and I hope and pray that one day, He will knock me (and my other single friends who have waited so long) socks off!

Good night

Quiet...Be still

I have been going to a new church again, and all I can say is, "WOW" you know when the Holy Spirit just prompts you? I don't have many of those moments, but when they do come, it is so AMAZING. It isn't about the pastor or the frills, it is about truly worshiping Jesus and hearing God's word! Check it out... http://www.keypointchurch.com/.

The past 2 weeks we have been studying "Freedom". Both weeks have been really great messages and applied directly to me and my life. Yesterday the pastor was talking about when Jesus and His disciples were out on the ocean and the storm was raging and Jesus was down below sleeping peacefully, while the disciples were up above panicking. They went down to Jesus and said, "Do you not care if we drown?" Jesus got up and went out to the sea and said,.... (this is my favorite part), "Quiet, Be still!" and the winds died down and it was completely calm. Mark 4:39 WOW! So, through out the message he was talking about how life is full of troubles. They are inevitable, we can't get around them. Being a christian doesn't mean your life is going to be sunshine and roses. But, one thing I just thought of, one day it will be SUNSHINE and ROSES ALL THE TIME! I just cried and cried as I felt Jesus telling me, "Jill, quiet, be still!" The pastor was talking about how sometimes troubles eventually go away and some troubles do not. So, when they don't go away, that is when we have to seek the Father and pray for Him to give us peace to handle it and it will eventually not be as rough all the time. I have so many things that I struggle with, that just spoke many things to me.



Especially in my singleness, I just felt like God was saying, "Jill, quiet! be still! and Trust ME!" I struggle daily in trusting God and believing that He will fulfill the desires of my heart. I have so many people tell me, "oh Jill you will be married one day and have children." Excuse me, but did God come down and say, "yes, Jill will be married and be a mother one day." If He did, He did not send me that memo. I just in a place sometimes that I feel like I don't want to believe that it could happen one day and then it doesn't, I will be in for another huge dissappointment, you know? Then, there are other days where I chose to believe He will knock my socks off. So, I am working on that. Maybe this summer there will be a group of ladies that would like to do the Beth Moore “Believing God” bible study. I have wanted to do that one for so long…years and year ACTUALLY.

Here is what I need to do in all my troubles....GET MY EYES off of the CIRCUMSTANCES! Troubles will come to an end!

So, during the sermon, I just cried and cried, because I just felt like the Lord was speaking directly to me. Pastor Casey was talking about troubles and how troubles are inevitable in our lives. We can’t prevent them. But, they do eventually come to an end. Well, I feel like I have been in the midst of all of these struggles lately and like they will never end. The pastor talked about how some troubles come to an end and some do not end for a very long time. If that is the case where you are, God will give us peace (I believe that is the peace that surpasses all understanding) that we can’t understand to get us through the situations!

I would love to hear from you and if I could pray for you, or if you have a praise. Here are a few prayer requests:

My friend’s dad had his gall bladder removed today, pray for a quick recovery and no complications.
My dad and his atrial fibrillation and high blood pressure. That the dr.’s will be able to get things working properly where he feels good again.

Oh, there was one more thing. We played and sang one of my favorite worship songs on Sunday too, "Sweetly Broken" by Jeremy Riddle. Enjoy the beautiful words:





Have a good night!

Rain, rain go away

So, some of you may know that my dad was put in the hospital on Friday night after discovering his EKG was seriously off. What we thought were possible symptoms of acid reflux, Saturday we found out it was Atrial Fribrulation and high blood pressure. Long story I will try to make short, he finally got released on Sunday after Saturday night having a scare, me and Jennie working on no sleep for about 28 hours and me losing it with the nurse for not caring about my dad the way I thought she should. I am just not sure one is ever prepared to have to take care of their parents...I know I was not prepared and neither was my sister. We both stated this whole "adult thing" really stinks sometimes. It is definitely an emotional roller coaster.

I just read a friends blog and she is looking for praises rather than just prayer requests and I have to be honest. Sometimes I have a very hard time finding things I am thankful for, when I feel like it just keeps pouring rain. I do know one thing I am so very thankful for, and that is for the faithful people who are praying for my dad and my sister and I. It actually overwelms me to tears right now thinking of all of the people who are interceding on our behalf. I know the peace I have felt today, could only come from the Lord. So, to all of you who are showing so much love not just to me, but to my family as well, words can not express how truly blessed I feel to know that you are praying for us.

Someone brought it to my attention that I have had a lot of "rain" this year, and I guess I hadn't stopped to think of it all. Which I am glad I haven't, because it would truly overwelm me and discourage me. I feel discouraged a lot over certain dreams I have had my whole life, and they have not been answered...yet. Kind of feels like a waste, you know. When you are a little girl, no one warns you that the things you thought would just happen one day, may not happen or may not happen in the time frame you expected. That is a huge disappointment. Or you continue to see the dreams you had for yourself happen over and over again in others lives. Things definitely do not make sense in this crazy world. All I know is, in the Daniel bible study I just finished by Beth Moore, there was a part in it that talked about one day, when we are in heaven, we can look back on past struggles and see all of the angels working and how God was doing amazing things in the midst of that specific crisis and how He was holding me through it all, especially when I feel so alone. Oh for the day to sit on Jesus lap and for Him to hold me and for me to actually be able to feel Him and see His beautiful face. Oh how I long for that day!

I am not sure if anyone even reads my blog but, I know that it truly helps me to be able to write out exactly what I feel and think.

I will end on a very sweet cute note, tonight I was talking to Savanah and she said, "Jill, you have to get on Barbie.com! They have a new game on their!" Thank you Lord for that beautiful 7 year old you have blessed our lives with!

Cranky day...

Is it just me or is there something in the air today. Nothing even happened today, I have just been really tired and this afternoon I just felt really cranky and like I am doing too much! Well, I know that part is true. I seem to have something to do almost every night of the week. I am the type of person that needs some down time. Funny thing, my last Daniel bible study last night was on trying to not complain! Hmmm...What can I say, I have a lot of things to work on. One at a time.

Then Belle seemed to be so wired and disobedient. I am so sad that she might start be starting that bratty dog stage. Well, I am the first to tell you, I will NOT put up with it. I will being doing my best to nip that phase in the bud.

So, anyone have a blessing or a prayer request they would like me to pray for them about? I love to think about other people to get the focus off of myself.

Have a good night and a good day tomorrow.

I will leave you with this, just in case you had a weird day or just if you want to laugh....

Rescued by the King of Glory

This songs says it all for me, when I am in the pits, when words just can't come...

Almost Friday!!!

This post will be short and sweet but I just wanted to write a quick note. I love Fridays! I guess because I know the weekend is here and if I am a lucky single woman, I can sleep in a little on Saturdays! But, I will say, the older I get the early I get up! Grrr....

I received a massage for my big 30 from a friend and I decided to use it tonight and may I just say that it was absolutely HEAVENLY! I am sure I will be sore tomorrow, but I find it so worth it!

So, tomorrow I have my 1st annual review at work, so pray for me. I am so thankful to have a job in this mess. I believe it will go fine, but I just hate these things. I would like to get a raise, but, like I just said, I am so thankful to have a job, so I have to be prepared to not get one. It hasn't been looking so good for other people in my office, so that is why I say that.

Well, I am almost done with my Daniel bible study and I feel like I am finally starting to get some of the stuff (of course at the end, I finally start picking it up). I find it thoroughly exciting when I learn something new from God and His Holy word, the Bible.

One last thing, looks like the BEACH is going to be a reality for me this summer and I can not, can NOT wait for it! I love the beach, I feel so relaxed and refreshed when I am there and I feel like this will be a great time for me to relax and just spend some time with the Lord. Luckily I am going with a friend and some of her friends that won't require me to do a lot unless of course I want too. IN other words, I will not be hurting feelings if I just want to stay at the beach!

Ok, well going to do some bible study and then off to bed.

Monday, Monday...

So, todays struggle began this morning when I woke up, stupid satan! He sure likes to make me feel bad and let things that I don't even need to keep worrying about bother me! So, I got to work and checked my email and my friend Kim, http://www.mystorykimberly.blogspot.com/ has introduced me to the most wonderful daily email devotions. It is called Heartlight, http://www.heartlight.org/cgi-shl/todaysverse.cgi?day=20090302. I highly recommend it. Todays verse was perfect for me, "Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who dowrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plantsthey will soon die away." Psalm 37:1-2. My thoughts and struggles were of worrying what other people think about me. I want everyone to like me and I know that, that can't happen! But, I am just so afraid with the people who I am no longer friends with, will just keep spreading all of my negative side to everyone. Totally ridiculous, I KNOW, but oh so real! I am trying to tell myself that no one is perfect and even those who chose to talk badly of me and my faults, have their own issues they should really be noticing and working on that. My friend Dawn told me something the other night that I need to put in to daily practice, especially at my job, and I am sorry, but I will probably boch this all up, but the part that stuck was, if you find yourself gossipping, then you are about to be unemployed by Jesus! So, I need to remember when I gossip, I am not working for Jesus and I am totally acting unemployed! I just loved that! Thanks, Dawn!

I couldn't quit feeling so tired today. It was terrible, so tonight instead of going for a walk, I am going to or correction, I am taking it easy on my bed with sweet Belle. I am so ready for the warm weather that is on its way.

So, I would like to start being more grateful, so today I am thankful for Belle. The Lord has totally blessed me with this dog that I have fallen in love with. She makes me crazy sometimes and I tend to yell at her sometimes too, but she is such a sweet blessing. I have wanted a dog for about 10 years and I have never been able to have one until now. She is 15 weeks old! I am thankful for other things as well, but she is what I am most thankful for today. Here she is when I first got her on Dec. 19th

and then, here she is enjoying a wonderful stinky pig ear!

A New Day and A New Thing

Hello Bloggers! I have decided to become a part of the blogging world again! Yes, that's right. I started a blog several years ago and kept up with it occasionally, but that was all before the wonderful world of Facebook and Myspace. I love to read my friends blogs and also look at others blogs that I don't even know. Lately I have seen so many wonderful blogs of how God is answering prayers. That has been so encouraging to me! One of the most amazing miracles I have seen God answer is through my friend Kelly's blog, http://www.kellyskornerblog.com/, about their sweet baby girl Harper.

So, today I tried a new church. It is really nerve racking to walk into a new place by yourself and not see a familiar face, but I will say, those people were so welcoming and so kind! I think about 8 people came up to me and said hello and that they were glad I was there. It was overwhelming, a good overwhelming! I know a family that goes there and I eventually met up with them, it was a good service. It was on surrendering our lives completely over to Christ. The topic was "3 Essentials to being a disciple of Christ"...
1. Abandonment "deny yourself"
2. Alignment "take up your cross daily" Luke 14:27, Galatians 2:20, 1 Peter 2:11, 1 Timothy 4:7, and Romans 6:4,6
3. Allegiance "follow Me"
Those are 3 great things to break down and think upon this week.

I had a pretty low key weekend. I did what I wanted to do and it seemed to have flown by. In my opinion, weekends do not last nearly long enough! And as for the snow we received, I am ready for it to move along.